1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.BZ 2 00:00:02,800 --> 00:00:05,159 Welcome to the Royal Opera House, Covent Garden. 3 00:00:05,160 --> 00:00:06,679 Please welcome to the stage, 4 00:00:06,680 --> 00:00:07,680 Bill Bailey. 5 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ 6 00:00:09,480 --> 00:00:11,919 APPLAUSE 7 00:00:11,920 --> 00:00:17,400 This programme contains strong language and adult humour 8 00:00:18,520 --> 00:00:21,519 CHEERING 9 00:00:21,520 --> 00:00:23,439 Thank you. Hello! 10 00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:26,359 WHOOPING 11 00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:27,879 Welcome, welcome everybody, 12 00:00:27,880 --> 00:00:31,079 to the Royal Opera House, Covent Garden. 13 00:00:31,080 --> 00:00:32,239 What a fantastic venue. 14 00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:33,999 It's a great honour to be here. Some of you, 15 00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:35,959 I imagine, will be opera buffs. 16 00:00:35,960 --> 00:00:38,279 And, uh, you'll be thinking 17 00:00:38,280 --> 00:00:40,559 this is a bit odd, isn't it? 18 00:00:40,560 --> 00:00:44,959 Bill Bailey, a comedian in the Royal Opera House? 19 00:00:44,960 --> 00:00:48,759 Has there been some sort of mix up in the booking? 20 00:00:48,760 --> 00:00:52,600 Is Katherine Jenkins appearing at the Chuckle Lounge in Lowestoft? 21 00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:57,759 Which I would pay good money to see. 22 00:00:57,760 --> 00:00:59,519 LAUGHTER 23 00:00:59,520 --> 00:01:01,959 Uh, a little bit of housekeeping before we start. 24 00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:04,959 I've got a jazz button. When I deploy the jazz button, 25 00:01:04,960 --> 00:01:07,679 it turns the Opera House briefly into a jazz club. 26 00:01:07,680 --> 00:01:11,240 SOFT JAZZ 27 00:01:12,440 --> 00:01:15,759 So I will be using that in an emergency. 28 00:01:15,760 --> 00:01:18,839 And I also have a mediaeval button. 29 00:01:18,840 --> 00:01:21,600 JAUNTY STRING MUSIC 30 00:01:25,080 --> 00:01:26,279 So, there's that. 31 00:01:26,280 --> 00:01:28,479 Uh, I have a Boris randomiser. 32 00:01:28,480 --> 00:01:30,879 BORIS JOHNSON: I have had some drugs. OK. 33 00:01:30,880 --> 00:01:31,919 And... 34 00:01:31,920 --> 00:01:32,920 LAUGHTER 35 00:01:35,640 --> 00:01:37,159 I've no idea what's going to come out of that. 36 00:01:37,160 --> 00:01:40,559 And, er, I also have a Bin Of Wonder. 37 00:01:40,560 --> 00:01:42,680 ANGELIC CHOIR 38 00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:48,319 I'm guessing you might want to see that again. 39 00:01:48,320 --> 00:01:49,839 AUDIENCE: Yes! 40 00:01:49,840 --> 00:01:50,999 I have a Bin Of Wonder. 41 00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:52,759 ANGELIC CHOIR 42 00:01:52,760 --> 00:01:54,919 CHEERING 43 00:01:54,920 --> 00:01:56,879 One more time? AUDIENCE: Yes! 44 00:01:56,880 --> 00:01:57,999 I have a Bin Of Wonder. 45 00:01:58,000 --> 00:01:59,720 ANGELIC CHOIR 46 00:02:01,800 --> 00:02:03,399 APPLAUSE 47 00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:04,719 Now, some of you may be thinking, 48 00:02:04,720 --> 00:02:07,319 "Why has Bill got some kind of barbecue on the stage?" 49 00:02:07,320 --> 00:02:10,799 Well, this is actually a rather intriguing instrument. 50 00:02:10,800 --> 00:02:14,999 It's actually a convex steel drum or a handpan. 51 00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:16,079 A Hang drum, if you will, 52 00:02:16,080 --> 00:02:19,199 and it makes a rather beautiful and intriguing sound. 53 00:02:19,200 --> 00:02:20,399 I'll give you a brief demo. 54 00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:25,560 TUNEFUL CHIMES 55 00:02:36,840 --> 00:02:38,360 APPLAUSE There it is. 56 00:02:40,600 --> 00:02:44,039 This, um... this rather lovely thing, it's unfortunate. 57 00:02:44,040 --> 00:02:46,959 It has been espoused by the tie-dye community. 58 00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:48,799 Uh, it gets used a lot on 59 00:02:48,800 --> 00:02:51,999 the promotional videos for yoga retreats, you know. 60 00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:54,919 AMERICAN ACCENT: "Welcome to the Earth Wellness Centre. 61 00:02:54,920 --> 00:02:57,999 "Drift downstream on a Lilo of the limbic system. 62 00:02:58,000 --> 00:03:00,279 "Join us for a Zen humming and healing weekend 63 00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:01,599 "with oatmeal conversation." 64 00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:06,320 You know, it's just been traduced by the Reiki-flakearati, and, uh... 65 00:03:08,440 --> 00:03:11,119 But you've got to say that it does lend itself 66 00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:14,719 rather to the meditative act, doesn't it not? 67 00:03:14,720 --> 00:03:16,799 It's the perfect instrument, in a way that perhaps 68 00:03:16,800 --> 00:03:19,119 the bagpipes wouldn't be quite so relaxing. 69 00:03:19,120 --> 00:03:20,879 RELAXING CHORDS 70 00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:24,279 "Relax your mind. Imagine you're on a beautiful river..." 71 00:03:24,280 --> 00:03:27,279 BAGPIPES PLAY "Relax!" 72 00:03:27,280 --> 00:03:28,280 So! 73 00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:34,159 Over here... Now, this is the theremin. 74 00:03:34,160 --> 00:03:36,359 You play it by proximity. 75 00:03:36,360 --> 00:03:38,679 STRANGE WARBLING 76 00:03:38,680 --> 00:03:40,599 It was invented by accident 77 00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:43,759 by a Russian KGB radio engineer in 1920. 78 00:03:43,760 --> 00:03:45,159 Of course, you knew that. 79 00:03:45,160 --> 00:03:46,999 And, uh, it was, um, it was, uh, 80 00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:50,039 basically there's two electromagnetic processors which... 81 00:03:50,040 --> 00:03:51,159 INSTRUMENT PULSES 82 00:03:51,160 --> 00:03:53,639 ...create these realms of oscillation, as I call them. 83 00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:55,479 I mean, it's not called that, but I like the word, 84 00:03:55,480 --> 00:03:57,839 like the term, "realm of oscillation." 85 00:03:57,840 --> 00:04:01,119 It sounds like an experimental music duo from Lowestoft. 86 00:04:01,120 --> 00:04:03,039 "Hello, we're Realm Of Oscillation. 87 00:04:03,040 --> 00:04:05,159 "This is our new track, Mole Frequency." 88 00:04:05,160 --> 00:04:07,039 Oh, great. Uh... 89 00:04:07,040 --> 00:04:08,719 And you play it by proximity. 90 00:04:08,720 --> 00:04:10,239 You move your hand into its realm. 91 00:04:10,240 --> 00:04:14,199 ETHEREAL TONES 92 00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:16,039 And you can play with any part of the body, 93 00:04:16,040 --> 00:04:17,040 you can play it with the head. 94 00:04:18,520 --> 00:04:20,519 It's intriguing and annoying. 95 00:04:20,520 --> 00:04:22,159 And, uh... 96 00:04:22,160 --> 00:04:23,679 ...this is something perhaps more familiar. 97 00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:27,479 This is an iPhone. Now there's an app on it called GarageBand, 98 00:04:27,480 --> 00:04:31,239 a beautiful instrument called the erhu, a Chinese bowed guitar. 99 00:04:31,240 --> 00:04:32,919 MOURNFUL STRINGS 100 00:04:32,920 --> 00:04:35,679 And I've contrived to present a piece for you, 101 00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:37,599 a duet for two iPhones. 102 00:04:37,600 --> 00:04:45,560 TRANSIENT MUSIC 103 00:05:15,800 --> 00:05:19,280 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 104 00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:27,199 INCOHERENT BORIS JOHNSON NOISES 105 00:05:27,200 --> 00:05:28,200 Yes, well... 106 00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:37,480 None of this makes any sense. 107 00:05:38,960 --> 00:05:40,999 I tell you what didn't make sense to me. 108 00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:43,320 You know the high-street freezer chain, Iceland? 109 00:05:45,520 --> 00:05:47,479 OK, so, you know what? 110 00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:50,720 I may have pitched this a little bit wrong for the Royal Opera House. 111 00:05:53,680 --> 00:05:56,839 You get a different class of punter here, don't you? 112 00:05:56,840 --> 00:05:58,559 You're looking at me like, "What? 113 00:05:58,560 --> 00:06:01,479 "A high-street freezer chain? 114 00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:03,160 "Good Lord, what is such a thing?" 115 00:06:05,040 --> 00:06:07,919 "I love coming to these does, you know, 116 00:06:07,920 --> 00:06:11,719 "to hear these lowbrow comedians and the humdrum lives that they lead. 117 00:06:11,720 --> 00:06:13,120 "Tell us more, vaudevillian. 118 00:06:15,760 --> 00:06:18,040 "Tell us of this high street of which you speak." 119 00:06:20,320 --> 00:06:22,239 "A mechanical device for freezing things? 120 00:06:22,240 --> 00:06:25,199 "Good Lord, you'll be telling me that women have got the vote next. 121 00:06:25,200 --> 00:06:27,679 "Good Lord, how do we get cool things, Marjorie?" 122 00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:30,439 "Well, a chap from the village brings a block of ice up on a cart 123 00:06:30,440 --> 00:06:33,759 "and Francois carves it into a swan and we serve the canapes on that." 124 00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:35,639 "Oh, I see. 125 00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:37,439 "Carry on." 126 00:06:37,440 --> 00:06:38,440 So... 127 00:06:41,840 --> 00:06:44,319 Should we try that again? 128 00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:47,039 You know the high-street freezer chain, Iceland, right? 129 00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:48,319 AUDIENCE: Yes. 130 00:06:48,320 --> 00:06:49,520 Of course you do. Now... 131 00:06:51,200 --> 00:06:53,639 They got into a bit of a contretemps with the country, 132 00:06:53,640 --> 00:06:55,439 Iceland, right - this is a true story - 133 00:06:55,440 --> 00:06:57,839 Iceland, the country, took them to court 134 00:06:57,840 --> 00:07:00,039 to stop them using the name Iceland, 135 00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:02,479 lest they be mixed up. Right? 136 00:07:02,480 --> 00:07:05,959 Lest people were unable to distinguish between the two. 137 00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:08,239 But let me ask you a genuine question, 138 00:07:08,240 --> 00:07:09,439 Royal Opera House. Who? 139 00:07:09,440 --> 00:07:12,839 Who are these people incapable of distinguishing between 140 00:07:12,840 --> 00:07:15,519 a shop and a country? 141 00:07:15,520 --> 00:07:18,119 Who are these people coming out of Reykjavik airport 142 00:07:18,120 --> 00:07:20,719 and standing there looking around going, 143 00:07:20,720 --> 00:07:24,519 "Oh, no, no, no. 144 00:07:24,520 --> 00:07:28,119 "This is just lava fields and disgraced banks. 145 00:07:28,120 --> 00:07:30,960 "Where's my cod parcel in a cheese and chive sauce?" 146 00:07:35,280 --> 00:07:37,239 I've got a theory about who these people might be. 147 00:07:37,240 --> 00:07:38,559 It's a little bit contentious. 148 00:07:38,560 --> 00:07:39,680 Idiots, right? 149 00:07:41,040 --> 00:07:43,719 We all know them. We've all seen them in Casualty. 150 00:07:43,720 --> 00:07:46,359 They're the ones with a compass stuck in their forehead 151 00:07:46,360 --> 00:07:49,200 because they tried to draw a circumference of their own face. 152 00:07:53,520 --> 00:07:55,559 People that say things like, "Wearing a mask, 153 00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:59,079 "it's like living in Nazi Germany. Wearing a mask." 154 00:07:59,080 --> 00:08:01,279 Yeah, because that's what the Nazis are known for, wasn't it? 155 00:08:01,280 --> 00:08:02,760 Mild inconvenience. 156 00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:09,519 CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Oh. 157 00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:11,999 "What, take the bins out on a Wednesday, 158 00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:14,720 "as opposed to a Thursday? It's like living in Nazi Germany!" 159 00:08:16,920 --> 00:08:17,920 Anyway. 160 00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:21,919 Good evening. I'm Bill Bailey, by the way. 161 00:08:21,920 --> 00:08:23,479 I'm a person of note. 162 00:08:23,480 --> 00:08:27,439 I was voted seventh most intelligent person on the TV 163 00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:30,119 by readers of Radio Times magazine. 164 00:08:30,120 --> 00:08:32,920 So, um... Yes. Thank you. SCATTERED APPLAUSE 165 00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:36,039 Number six was Lisa Simpson, 166 00:08:36,040 --> 00:08:38,080 a fictitious cartoon character. 167 00:08:39,760 --> 00:08:41,479 I have a recognisable face, 168 00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:46,519 and sometimes it can lead to some sort of rather odd exchanges. 169 00:08:46,520 --> 00:08:49,399 I was driving down to the West Country. 170 00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:52,879 I came out of a service station and I wasn't wearing a seat belt. 171 00:08:52,880 --> 00:08:56,479 These two cops stopped me and he said, 172 00:08:56,480 --> 00:08:58,119 "You weren't wearing a seat belt." I went, "No." 173 00:08:58,120 --> 00:09:00,359 And then he tried to tell me a story. 174 00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:03,799 Just sort of demonstrating the dangers of not wearing a seat belt. 175 00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:05,839 Didn't make any sense at all. He said, 176 00:09:05,840 --> 00:09:07,279 "You know the band Def Leppard?" 177 00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:09,759 I said, "Yeah." He goes, "You know, the drummers only got one arm?" 178 00:09:09,760 --> 00:09:11,439 I said, "Yeah?" "You know how he lost it?" 179 00:09:11,440 --> 00:09:13,439 "No." "Car crash, wasn't it? Yeah. 180 00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:15,159 "Thrown from the vehicle, 181 00:09:15,160 --> 00:09:17,799 "ripped his arm right off, wasn't wearing a seat belt. 182 00:09:17,800 --> 00:09:19,359 "Lost his arm. Drummer. 183 00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:21,399 "His girlfriend, she was in the passenger seat. 184 00:09:21,400 --> 00:09:22,879 "She was wearing a seat belt. 185 00:09:22,880 --> 00:09:23,920 "Killed instantly." 186 00:09:29,160 --> 00:09:31,719 So, like I say, doesn't make any sense. 187 00:09:31,720 --> 00:09:37,079 Right, OK, time for a bit of a song, I reckon, Royal Opera House. 188 00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:38,080 So... 189 00:09:39,360 --> 00:09:43,000 ...this is a four-string Appalachian blues guitar. 190 00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:57,199 And it has been cunningly fashioned from a Holy Bible. 191 00:09:57,200 --> 00:09:59,640 So it makes a righteous sound. 192 00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:04,000 {\an8}Two settings - Old Testament, New Testament. 193 00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:11,280 ♪ A long time ago 194 00:10:12,360 --> 00:10:14,879 ♪ In a place not unlike this 195 00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:20,239 ♪ I was feeling low and I stared into the abyss 196 00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:22,639 ♪ And I prayed to the Lord 197 00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:24,080 ♪ But I'm a sinner 198 00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:28,040 ♪ So I was not prioritised 199 00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:31,879 ♪ A heavenly voice said, 200 00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:33,880 ♪ "Your prayer is important to the Lord 201 00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:38,000 ♪ "We are currently experiencing a high volume of prayer 202 00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:42,840 ♪ "Some prayers are recorded for training purposes 203 00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:47,120 ♪ "You are currently EIGHT MILLIONTH in the queue." 204 00:10:48,840 --> 00:10:51,720 ♪ Well, I was alone and confused Like a pangolin in space 205 00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:56,039 ♪ And in my time of torment 206 00:10:56,040 --> 00:10:58,520 ♪ Help came from a different place 207 00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:04,679 ♪ Well, I stood on the clifftop 208 00:11:04,680 --> 00:11:06,599 ♪ I looked down at the sea 209 00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:08,479 ♪ I heard the devil whisper 210 00:11:08,480 --> 00:11:11,199 ♪ "Are you looking for me?" 211 00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:13,799 ♪ In that kind of generic American accent 212 00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:16,160 ♪ That the devil sometimes speaks in... 213 00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:20,679 You never get a West Country devil, do you? 214 00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:21,960 WEST COUNTRY ACCENT: "Hello there, I'm Satan!" 215 00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:27,039 No, you're not. "I flippin' well am! 216 00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:28,599 "I've got the hooves and everything." 217 00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:29,840 Shut up. "All right." 218 00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:36,199 ♪ Deal out the cards son and your soul will be released 219 00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:38,559 ♪ But understand if you lose this hand 220 00:11:38,560 --> 00:11:40,839 ♪ Your soul belongs to me 221 00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:42,639 ♪ Deal out the cards, son 222 00:11:42,640 --> 00:11:44,839 ♪ And your soul will be released 223 00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:47,039 ♪ Name your card game, son 224 00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:50,319 ♪ I said Happy Families 225 00:11:50,320 --> 00:11:52,239 ♪ Well, the devil raised an eyebrow 226 00:11:52,240 --> 00:11:54,399 ♪ He said, "Prepare to meet thy maker" 227 00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:56,639 ♪ Well, I looked the devil in the eye 228 00:11:56,640 --> 00:11:58,799 ♪ And played Mr Bun the Baker 229 00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:01,119 ♪ Well, a crowd of demons laughed and shrieked 230 00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:03,319 ♪ And the Devil's Fork got closer 231 00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:07,159 ♪ The devil looked me right in the eye and played Mr Grits the Grocer 232 00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:09,239 ♪ Well, the devil started cackling 233 00:12:09,240 --> 00:12:11,239 ♪ And he'd be cackling yet 234 00:12:11,240 --> 00:12:15,639 ♪ But the Prince of Lies had no reply to Mr Flea the Vet 235 00:12:15,640 --> 00:12:17,639 ♪ Well, the devil hung his head that day 236 00:12:17,640 --> 00:12:19,679 ♪ And my soul jumped for joy 237 00:12:19,680 --> 00:12:22,079 ♪ Cos the devil knew I still had in my hand 238 00:12:22,080 --> 00:12:24,919 ♪ Jones the Delivery Boy 239 00:12:24,920 --> 00:12:27,039 ♪ I beat the devil on that day 240 00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:29,079 ♪ I drank from life's sweet cup 241 00:12:29,080 --> 00:12:31,439 ♪ Because there ain't no Jones the Delivery Boy 242 00:12:31,440 --> 00:12:33,000 ♪ I made the sucker up 243 00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:40,360 ♪ I beat the devil, beat the devil, beat the devil. ♪ 244 00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:45,200 CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 245 00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:57,079 I'm just thinking I might use this 246 00:12:57,080 --> 00:13:00,279 like the old-style comics used to do a rimshot after a joke. 247 00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:01,799 You know, they'd do a joke and they'd go, 248 00:13:01,800 --> 00:13:03,279 "Badum-tsh," like that. 249 00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:06,759 This is more of a sort of a new-age rimshot, isn't it? 250 00:13:06,760 --> 00:13:07,839 I could do an old-style joke. 251 00:13:07,840 --> 00:13:09,999 I went for a innuendoscopy. He said, "Where do you want it?" 252 00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:11,359 I said, "Wouldn't you like to know?" 253 00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:12,360 HE PLAYS DRUM 254 00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:18,399 Just a brief word about comedy, though. 255 00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:20,959 I mean, it's very important. We need comedy, right? 256 00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:23,520 We need it, you know, it's important. 257 00:13:24,640 --> 00:13:27,319 We need comedy to fight back against the forces of racism. 258 00:13:27,320 --> 00:13:29,639 Right? We need that! 259 00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:32,159 My weapon of choice is the limerick, 260 00:13:32,160 --> 00:13:34,719 much underused in the battle against racism. 261 00:13:34,720 --> 00:13:37,599 So, here we go. The fightback starts here. 262 00:13:37,600 --> 00:13:39,519 I once played a game of Yahtzee... 263 00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:41,839 Look, it's a tricky thing to rhyme, all right? 264 00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:44,400 LAUGHTER 265 00:13:49,600 --> 00:13:51,199 I once played a game of Yahtzee 266 00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:52,999 With a man who was clearly a Nazi 267 00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:54,199 He threw a four 268 00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:55,239 Then he walked out the door 269 00:13:55,240 --> 00:13:56,919 Because the black dots on the white dice annoyed him, 270 00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:59,720 As it was black and white, working together in a meaningful way. 271 00:14:06,360 --> 00:14:08,599 Yeah, comedy is very important. Jokes are important. 272 00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:11,719 Jokes are historical. I mean, one of the great classics of jokes, 273 00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:14,759 the joke format, the knock-knock joke is rooted in history. 274 00:14:14,760 --> 00:14:16,399 Anyone know where it comes from? You. 275 00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:19,839 Where does it come from? No? No-one? No, no idea? 276 00:14:19,840 --> 00:14:20,999 No? Front door. 277 00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:22,919 Beg pardon? The front door. The what sorry? 278 00:14:22,920 --> 00:14:24,040 The front door? 279 00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:38,480 No, I like it. It's a good answer, but... 280 00:14:39,880 --> 00:14:41,879 So what you're saying is, without the door, 281 00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:44,679 there would be no knock-knock jokes. Is that what you're saying? 282 00:14:44,680 --> 00:14:45,919 So really, what we're asking, 283 00:14:45,920 --> 00:14:47,759 the question is, when were doors invented? 284 00:14:47,760 --> 00:14:49,119 That's really... 285 00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:51,599 Because surely the knock-knock joke followed 286 00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:53,479 in pretty short order after that. 287 00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:55,199 "I've invented a door." "Wait a minute. 288 00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:57,240 "I see an opportunity for hilarity". 289 00:15:00,640 --> 00:15:03,439 Anyone else? The porter scene, Macbeth. 290 00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:05,519 Ooh, now, that is very good knowledge. 291 00:15:05,520 --> 00:15:08,519 Excellent work, sir. Yes. The porter scene from Macbeth. 292 00:15:08,520 --> 00:15:10,479 The porter wakes up with a hangover, 293 00:15:10,480 --> 00:15:12,679 pretends to be the keeper of the gates of hell. 294 00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:14,600 We've all done it. And, uh... 295 00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:18,039 He creates this scene where he goes, 296 00:15:18,040 --> 00:15:21,199 "Knock, knock." "Who's there in the name of Beelzebub?" 297 00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:25,159 "Here's a farmer who's hanged himself in expectation of plenty." 298 00:15:25,160 --> 00:15:27,320 It's not hilarious, but, um... 299 00:15:28,560 --> 00:15:31,839 ...then again, a lot of Shakespearean jokes aren't really, are they? 300 00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:34,759 "I went to town in a galliard, I came home in a coranto." 301 00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:37,879 Ha! Nothing. So... 302 00:15:37,880 --> 00:15:40,120 "Taxi for Shakespeare." You know, it's... 303 00:15:41,560 --> 00:15:43,679 One year, we were opening some crackers 304 00:15:43,680 --> 00:15:45,479 and a knock-knock joke came out. 305 00:15:45,480 --> 00:15:48,359 My wife attempted to say it, but it went wrong somehow. 306 00:15:48,360 --> 00:15:49,879 She contrived to get it wrong. 307 00:15:49,880 --> 00:15:52,279 She picked up a little bit of paper with a joke on it. 308 00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:53,479 She looked at it and she said, 309 00:15:53,480 --> 00:15:54,560 "Who's there?" 310 00:15:58,800 --> 00:16:02,240 Whereupon the person she was telling the joke to said, "Knock-knock?" 311 00:16:07,480 --> 00:16:08,800 Then my wife said, "Who?" 312 00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:14,639 And to this day, 313 00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:16,800 that's one of the finest knock-knock jokes I've ever heard. 314 00:16:21,600 --> 00:16:24,119 BORIS JOHNSON: You can't eat chicken in a onesie. 315 00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:25,640 Yeah. Well, um, now... 316 00:16:27,800 --> 00:16:29,919 Look, what is this, like, the mediaeval news? 317 00:16:29,920 --> 00:16:31,720 JAUNTY STRING MUSIC 318 00:16:33,040 --> 00:16:36,960 "Today, demons were driven from an agitated pig in Gloucester." So... 319 00:16:39,680 --> 00:16:41,439 Anyone here in a relationship? 320 00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:43,079 SOME CHEERS 321 00:16:43,080 --> 00:16:45,719 Oh, about seven or eight people. Uh... 322 00:16:45,720 --> 00:16:49,559 The rest of you, just singles looking for love. 323 00:16:49,560 --> 00:16:51,079 Is that right? 324 00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:53,999 Yeah. Wow, you thought going to a Bill Bailey gig, 325 00:16:54,000 --> 00:16:55,040 that's where you're... 326 00:16:59,040 --> 00:17:00,880 ...pick up someone, yeah. 327 00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:04,279 Yes. OK. All right. Anyone? 328 00:17:04,280 --> 00:17:05,879 You. What about you? 329 00:17:05,880 --> 00:17:08,119 STAMMERS: Are you in a rela... uh... you know, liais... 330 00:17:08,120 --> 00:17:09,919 You know, with... uh? 331 00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:12,199 Is it all, uh, all fine? 332 00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:16,319 No, maybe this isn't the forum to discuss that, but, uh... 333 00:17:16,320 --> 00:17:19,399 Thing is, right, my wife and I recently celebrated 334 00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:21,879 20 years of marriage, and so what I thought I'd... 335 00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:23,439 CHEERING Thank you. 336 00:17:23,440 --> 00:17:26,559 And so what I thought I'd do, I'd write a poem to commemorate this 337 00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:28,759 particular watershed in our relationship. 338 00:17:28,760 --> 00:17:29,839 It's called Love. 339 00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:33,599 This may ring a bell with you or anyone from, 340 00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:37,920 you know, whatever end of the sexual buffet you choose to graze. 341 00:17:42,840 --> 00:17:45,439 Which I can guarantee you that those words are the first 342 00:17:45,440 --> 00:17:47,760 time they've been uttered from this stage, right? 343 00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:51,879 ♪ Whichever Whichever 344 00:17:51,880 --> 00:17:53,239 ♪ End of the sexual 345 00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:55,239 ♪ Buffer you choose to graze You choose to graze 346 00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:57,879 ♪ You choose to graze You choose to graze 347 00:17:57,880 --> 00:17:59,159 ♪ You choose to graze 348 00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:01,879 ♪ From the sexual buffer you choose to graze 349 00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:03,599 ♪ Which is the end Which is the end 350 00:18:03,600 --> 00:18:05,319 ♪ Which is the end, O, which is the end 351 00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:09,199 ♪ Which is the end of the sexual buffer you choose to graze? ♪ 352 00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:10,880 CHEERING Something like that. 353 00:18:12,120 --> 00:18:13,160 Anyway... 354 00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:16,639 ...here it is. It's called Love. 355 00:18:16,640 --> 00:18:19,279 Hey, you are my world. Yeah. 356 00:18:19,280 --> 00:18:20,879 Where'd you put my keys? 357 00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:22,079 I don't have them. 358 00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:23,839 Yes, you've got them in your bag. 359 00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:26,079 No. Definitely. Nope. 360 00:18:26,080 --> 00:18:28,239 Well, that's the only place they might be. 361 00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:30,079 What about the hook where they normally are? 362 00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:32,120 What? Have you looked there? No. 363 00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:43,399 All right, then. 364 00:18:43,400 --> 00:18:46,079 All right, then, let's have a bit of class in proceedings. 365 00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:50,439 One of the great operatic arias, La Habanera, 366 00:18:50,440 --> 00:18:56,479 has this wonderful sort of mix of major and minor, you know, 367 00:18:56,480 --> 00:18:58,839 from Bizet's Carmen, when it goes from 368 00:18:58,840 --> 00:19:00,159 HE PLAYS MINOR CHORD ...to the... 369 00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:01,519 HE PLAYS MAJOR CHORD ...to the major... 370 00:19:01,520 --> 00:19:02,679 HE PLAYS MINOR CHORD ...to the minor again. 371 00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:05,839 It's a beautiful demonstration of the fickle nature of love. 372 00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:08,239 I can't do it justice without an opera singer. 373 00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:10,879 So will you please welcome as a special treat, 374 00:19:10,880 --> 00:19:13,720 the wonderful, Florence Hvorostovsky. 375 00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:59,039 Ladies and gentlemen, Florence Hvorostovsky! 376 00:20:59,040 --> 00:21:03,280 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 377 00:21:05,560 --> 00:21:08,000 Thank you so much. Florence Hvorostovsky, there. 378 00:21:10,280 --> 00:21:17,120 What a treat! So, please bring on the bells of opera. 379 00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:26,200 TO THE TUNE OF NESSUN DORMA 380 00:22:23,320 --> 00:22:25,399 Seeing as we're on a bit of a nostalgic tip, 381 00:22:25,400 --> 00:22:28,799 I'd like to delve into my past and sing you 382 00:22:28,800 --> 00:22:32,160 a song from my youth growing up in the West Country. 383 00:22:33,240 --> 00:22:34,959 One of my favourite songs of that time. 384 00:22:34,960 --> 00:22:39,279 This is Old MacDonald Had A Farm, 385 00:22:39,280 --> 00:22:43,719 but sung in the style of the bluesman, Tom Waits. 386 00:22:43,720 --> 00:22:46,280 HE PLAYS BLUES SCALE 387 00:22:59,040 --> 00:23:01,680 ♪ Old MacDonald 388 00:23:04,080 --> 00:23:08,439 ♪ Sick of the farm 389 00:23:08,440 --> 00:23:11,319 ♪ Wants a new life 390 00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:15,239 ♪ A new place to go 391 00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:17,519 ♪ Yes, he does now 392 00:23:17,520 --> 00:23:22,120 ♪ But if you strip away the consonants 393 00:23:23,760 --> 00:23:25,960 ♪ From new directions 394 00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:28,439 ♪ You're left with 395 00:23:28,440 --> 00:23:33,440 ♪ E, I, O 396 00:23:41,240 --> 00:23:42,520 ♪ Well, Old MacDonald 397 00:23:45,680 --> 00:23:48,440 ♪ Trying to make it right with his kids 398 00:23:49,720 --> 00:23:55,119 ♪ Should have done it a long time ago 399 00:23:55,120 --> 00:23:57,479 ♪ They've all grown up and moved away now 400 00:23:57,480 --> 00:23:59,599 ♪ Old MacDonald moved into banking 401 00:23:59,600 --> 00:24:03,120 ♪ And has avoided the agricultural sector 402 00:24:05,760 --> 00:24:10,680 ♪ Suck out the vowels from reinvention 403 00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:14,159 ♪ You get E, I 404 00:24:14,160 --> 00:24:20,400 ♪ E, I, O 405 00:24:21,840 --> 00:24:24,759 ♪ No more echoes on the farm 406 00:24:24,760 --> 00:24:27,200 ♪ On the farm, on the farm, on the farm 407 00:24:29,720 --> 00:24:33,000 ♪ No more duck sounds in the air 408 00:24:38,240 --> 00:24:41,280 ♪ There's a quack-quack here 409 00:24:46,560 --> 00:24:49,760 ♪ But there's no quack-quack there 410 00:24:54,040 --> 00:24:57,399 ♪ Drunk on the insurance money 411 00:24:57,400 --> 00:24:59,880 ♪ From torching the farm 412 00:25:01,440 --> 00:25:04,479 ♪ Old MacDonald lies 413 00:25:04,480 --> 00:25:06,039 ♪ In a hospital bed 414 00:25:06,040 --> 00:25:09,160 ♪ Next to a guy with a compass in his head 415 00:25:12,520 --> 00:25:17,799 ♪ And sitting there looking at his leg infection 416 00:25:17,800 --> 00:25:21,439 ♪ Thinking about his old friend His nemesis 417 00:25:21,440 --> 00:25:27,200 ♪ E, I, E, I, O. ♪ 418 00:25:39,120 --> 00:25:41,599 Comedy. It gets me around, you know. 419 00:25:41,600 --> 00:25:45,239 One of the sort of things I do when I'm on tour as a hobby, 420 00:25:45,240 --> 00:25:49,160 I collect Google reviews of Poundland stores. 421 00:25:53,440 --> 00:25:55,359 Honestly, seriously, 422 00:25:55,360 --> 00:25:56,759 if you've got a spare minute, 423 00:25:56,760 --> 00:26:00,640 it's the gift that keeps on giving. It really is. 424 00:26:02,400 --> 00:26:08,239 It gives you a wonderful glimpse into the world of British society. 425 00:26:08,240 --> 00:26:12,679 Here are a few genuine reviews of Poundland stores in Britain. 426 00:26:12,680 --> 00:26:15,560 "Five stars. Loads of stuff for a pound." 427 00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:22,440 Somebody felt the need to put that in there. 428 00:26:23,560 --> 00:26:25,760 "Four stars. I stole from here." 429 00:26:29,520 --> 00:26:33,039 "Three stars. Dirty baskets!" 430 00:26:33,040 --> 00:26:36,479 I don't know whether that's a euphemism for something dirty. 431 00:26:36,480 --> 00:26:38,080 "Ooh, dirty baskets." I don't know. 432 00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:42,400 I love this one. "Two stars. The staff were very common." 433 00:26:48,200 --> 00:26:51,439 My favourite, a one-star, one-word review - 434 00:26:51,440 --> 00:26:52,520 "Overpriced." 435 00:26:55,200 --> 00:26:58,239 I look for the little sort of glimmers of hope. 436 00:26:58,240 --> 00:27:00,439 And sometimes you find them, right? 437 00:27:00,440 --> 00:27:03,799 Someone has taken the trouble to set up a Twitter account 438 00:27:03,800 --> 00:27:07,799 in the name of Samuel Pepys, the 17th-century London diarist. 439 00:27:07,800 --> 00:27:12,079 Right? So the Twitter feed is just genuine extracts 440 00:27:12,080 --> 00:27:14,399 from Pepys's diary, which is a beautiful thing. 441 00:27:14,400 --> 00:27:16,119 But of course, this being Twitter, 442 00:27:16,120 --> 00:27:18,319 there's a lot of people that've never heard of Samuel Pepys, 443 00:27:18,320 --> 00:27:21,360 so they just think it's some old bloke talking in a weird way. 444 00:27:23,240 --> 00:27:26,119 So you get these fantastic exchanges, like this one. 445 00:27:26,120 --> 00:27:28,319 This is an entry from 1665. 446 00:27:28,320 --> 00:27:31,320 "I was mightily troubled with a looseness." Right. 447 00:27:36,120 --> 00:27:40,039 "And feeling for the chamber pot, there was none. 448 00:27:40,040 --> 00:27:42,439 "I, having called the maid up out of her bed - 449 00:27:42,440 --> 00:27:44,799 "she had forgot, I suppose, to put one there. 450 00:27:44,800 --> 00:27:47,599 "So I was forced in this strange house 451 00:27:47,600 --> 00:27:50,360 "to rise and shit in the chimney twice. 452 00:28:04,560 --> 00:28:06,840 And somebody replied, "Been there, bruv. Been there." 453 00:28:18,280 --> 00:28:20,199 So if you know anybody called Adam Hodgson, 454 00:28:20,200 --> 00:28:22,920 don't let him stay in your spare room. That's my advice. 455 00:28:27,440 --> 00:28:31,359 Suddenly I find myself, you know, pictures in the tabl... 456 00:28:31,360 --> 00:28:33,919 "Ooh, Bill Bailey, what he's wearing, what he's doing." 457 00:28:33,920 --> 00:28:35,239 And you become a commodity. 458 00:28:35,240 --> 00:28:37,679 And you know, things that you do and say and wear 459 00:28:37,680 --> 00:28:40,119 are worth money - sometimes a lot of money. 460 00:28:40,120 --> 00:28:43,239 You know, video footage, sort of intemperate comments, 461 00:28:43,240 --> 00:28:45,399 suddenly they're in the tabloids, you know. 462 00:28:45,400 --> 00:28:48,679 And this came to a head quite dramatically 463 00:28:48,680 --> 00:28:52,839 when I received a message via Twitter from someone unknown to me. 464 00:28:52,840 --> 00:28:55,199 And he said, "Bill, I just thought I'd warn you. 465 00:28:55,200 --> 00:28:59,159 "Here are some screenshots of emails I've sent to The Sun newspaper." 466 00:28:59,160 --> 00:29:01,879 And I was like - immediately, my heart starts going like this - 467 00:29:01,880 --> 00:29:06,359 "Oh, my God, what have I done? Have I misidentified a hawk moth?" 468 00:29:06,360 --> 00:29:09,159 And then... 469 00:29:09,160 --> 00:29:12,599 So then, the first email, right - this is all true, right? 470 00:29:12,600 --> 00:29:15,079 It said, "Dear, The Sun newspaper, 471 00:29:15,080 --> 00:29:18,799 "I have some compromising video footage of Bill Bailey. 472 00:29:18,800 --> 00:29:20,199 "Would you be interested?" Right? 473 00:29:20,200 --> 00:29:22,759 So The Sun came back in short order. "Yes, we would. 474 00:29:22,760 --> 00:29:25,319 "What is the nature of this video footage?" Right? 475 00:29:25,320 --> 00:29:26,999 And this is what he wrote. This is what he wrote. 476 00:29:27,000 --> 00:29:29,159 He said, "I was walking in the countryside 477 00:29:29,160 --> 00:29:31,559 "and I heard a commotion in a nearby field. 478 00:29:31,560 --> 00:29:35,359 "I looked through the hedge and there was TV's Bill Bailey 479 00:29:35,360 --> 00:29:38,159 "trying to get on the back of a llama." All right? 480 00:29:38,160 --> 00:29:40,199 LAUGHTER 481 00:29:40,200 --> 00:29:42,079 "He was clearly intoxicated. 482 00:29:42,080 --> 00:29:44,839 "He was swigging from a bottle of Jack Daniels. 483 00:29:44,840 --> 00:29:46,919 "When he saw me, he became abusive 484 00:29:46,920 --> 00:29:51,599 "and shouting an Apache war cry, chased me across the field. 485 00:29:51,600 --> 00:29:53,359 "Would you be interested in this footage?" 486 00:29:53,360 --> 00:29:54,399 And they came back and said, 487 00:29:54,400 --> 00:29:55,999 "Yes, we'd be very interested in the footage." 488 00:29:56,000 --> 00:29:58,439 And he said, "How much would you be prepared to pay?" 489 00:29:58,440 --> 00:30:02,919 And they came back straight away. The opening bid, £20,000. All right? 490 00:30:02,920 --> 00:30:04,559 So the bloke messaged me and he said, 491 00:30:04,560 --> 00:30:06,480 "Do you fancy doing it and we'll split the money?" 492 00:30:08,560 --> 00:30:10,560 APPLAUSE 493 00:30:19,840 --> 00:30:21,520 I mean, it's tempting, right? 494 00:30:22,840 --> 00:30:25,600 Keep your eyes peeled on YouTube, that's what I'm saying. 495 00:30:32,600 --> 00:30:34,639 APPLAUSE 496 00:30:34,640 --> 00:30:36,759 One of the great things about this job is you get to travel. 497 00:30:36,760 --> 00:30:38,759 You know, you get an idea about a place, 498 00:30:38,760 --> 00:30:39,919 you get a sense of a place. 499 00:30:39,920 --> 00:30:41,839 Sometimes from just your first arrival, 500 00:30:41,840 --> 00:30:43,719 in the airport or whatever. 501 00:30:43,720 --> 00:30:46,799 Australia, a very friendly place. Australians are very friendly. 502 00:30:46,800 --> 00:30:48,799 It's a very friendly country, once you're in. 503 00:30:48,800 --> 00:30:52,519 But getting into Australia can be a little problematic, you know? 504 00:30:52,520 --> 00:30:54,999 They have very, very strict customs. Incredibly strict. 505 00:30:55,000 --> 00:30:56,719 They ask you loads and loads of questions. 506 00:30:56,720 --> 00:30:57,919 They're quite brusque. 507 00:30:57,920 --> 00:31:00,199 When I arrived in Melbourne once, this bloke looked at me 508 00:31:00,200 --> 00:31:02,239 and he goes... AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: "Right." 509 00:31:02,240 --> 00:31:03,599 And he goes, "Have you got tuberculosis?" 510 00:31:03,600 --> 00:31:05,119 I was like, "Uh! Er, w..." 511 00:31:05,120 --> 00:31:07,119 Straight out of the traps. You know, you feel nervous. 512 00:31:07,120 --> 00:31:09,879 "Well, I've got a bit of a tickle. I've got a bit of a tickle. Um..." 513 00:31:09,880 --> 00:31:11,919 And then they're obsessed with farms. 514 00:31:11,920 --> 00:31:13,759 AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: "You been on a farm recently? 515 00:31:13,760 --> 00:31:14,999 "Do you know any farmers? 516 00:31:15,000 --> 00:31:16,479 "Have you fallen asleep under a horse, 517 00:31:16,480 --> 00:31:18,600 "and the horse has drooled into your eye?" 518 00:31:22,200 --> 00:31:24,759 "You ever kissed anyone you weren't in a relationship with?" 519 00:31:24,760 --> 00:31:26,999 "You ever fallen in love with someone you shouldn't have? 520 00:31:27,000 --> 00:31:29,359 "Have you ever fallen for someone so hard 521 00:31:29,360 --> 00:31:31,519 "that you'd walk through fire for them, 522 00:31:31,520 --> 00:31:34,159 "but then they go to Thailand with a fitness instructor 523 00:31:34,160 --> 00:31:35,479 "and your heart freezes, 524 00:31:35,480 --> 00:31:37,839 "and the slightest touch'd shatter it into a million pieces?" 525 00:31:37,840 --> 00:31:39,640 "No." "Welcome to Australia." 526 00:31:43,760 --> 00:31:46,239 Some places... some places are very friendly. 527 00:31:46,240 --> 00:31:48,999 Sweden. That's a very friendly place. It's actually almost too friendly. 528 00:31:49,000 --> 00:31:50,799 You know? They're, like, ridiculously friendly. 529 00:31:50,800 --> 00:31:52,839 They're like... SWEDISH ACCENT: "Hey! OK!" 530 00:31:52,840 --> 00:31:55,519 You're like, "All right, back off." HE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY 531 00:31:55,520 --> 00:31:58,599 This one guy said to me, he goes, "OK. You come to Sweden, yeah?" 532 00:31:58,600 --> 00:31:59,639 "Yeah." "OK." 533 00:31:59,640 --> 00:32:04,999 He goes, "OK, one more question, and you can come into Sweden!" 534 00:32:05,000 --> 00:32:07,039 LAUGHTER OK... 535 00:32:07,040 --> 00:32:09,320 "Hope you get it right. So... 536 00:32:10,760 --> 00:32:13,279 "..have you said anything mean about anybody in the last month?" 537 00:32:13,280 --> 00:32:15,320 "No." "OK. Welcome to Sweden!" 538 00:32:18,400 --> 00:32:19,959 South Africa - a little bit different. 539 00:32:19,960 --> 00:32:21,599 I think I might... Do you know what? 540 00:32:21,600 --> 00:32:24,999 I just think I got some bloke having a bad day. 541 00:32:25,000 --> 00:32:27,479 I was in Cape Town Airport and I was going through, 542 00:32:27,480 --> 00:32:28,879 and the bloke said, "What's in the bag?" 543 00:32:28,880 --> 00:32:31,239 And I went, "Er... Oh, it's just duty-free." 544 00:32:31,240 --> 00:32:35,039 SOUTH-AFRICAN ACCENT: "Oh, duty-free, eh? Duty-free!" 545 00:32:35,040 --> 00:32:37,079 "Er, yeah. Yeah, it's duty-free." 546 00:32:37,080 --> 00:32:38,639 "Oh, all right. What's that, then?" 547 00:32:38,640 --> 00:32:39,679 "Er, Toblerone." 548 00:32:39,680 --> 00:32:43,919 "Toblerone, eh?! You think you can bring Toblerone in here?" 549 00:32:43,920 --> 00:32:46,599 "Eh... Er... yeah. What's wrong with that?" 550 00:32:46,600 --> 00:32:47,839 "It can be used as a weapon." 551 00:32:47,840 --> 00:32:48,879 "No, it can't." 552 00:32:48,880 --> 00:32:51,759 "Yeah, you put it in the freezer, you get it nice and hard, 553 00:32:51,760 --> 00:32:53,759 "you whittle away with a sharp knife, 554 00:32:53,760 --> 00:32:55,879 "and then you gaffer-tape it to a stale baguette, 555 00:32:55,880 --> 00:32:57,319 "you have a formidable weapon." 556 00:32:57,320 --> 00:32:58,800 "You're just a nutter." 557 00:33:04,320 --> 00:33:05,959 People are obsessed with this country, aren't they? 558 00:33:05,960 --> 00:33:06,999 They're obsessed with Britain. 559 00:33:07,000 --> 00:33:08,519 We love a bit of mischievousness, 560 00:33:08,520 --> 00:33:12,039 we love to deliberately spike something, make it go wrong. 561 00:33:12,040 --> 00:33:14,159 "Oh-ho-ho, whoops-a-daisy!" 562 00:33:14,160 --> 00:33:16,719 I was having dinner in France with three Brits. 563 00:33:16,720 --> 00:33:19,759 A waiter dropped a full tray of drinks, "Ger-juzz!" Like that. 564 00:33:19,760 --> 00:33:20,919 No-one batted an eyelid. 565 00:33:20,920 --> 00:33:23,999 The four Brits, to a man, simultaneously, 566 00:33:24,000 --> 00:33:28,640 "Wey-y-y! Loser! Butterfingers!" 567 00:33:32,200 --> 00:33:34,479 I was on a train, right. In Britain, all right? 568 00:33:34,480 --> 00:33:37,399 We stopped, made an unscheduled stop in a cutting, right? 569 00:33:37,400 --> 00:33:39,279 There was a smell of smoke in the carriage, 570 00:33:39,280 --> 00:33:40,799 and everyone's like that, "What's that?" 571 00:33:40,800 --> 00:33:41,919 An announcement came on... 572 00:33:41,920 --> 00:33:43,959 NASAL TONE: "I apologise for the delay. 573 00:33:43,960 --> 00:33:45,879 "There appears to be a slight technical problem. 574 00:33:45,880 --> 00:33:48,079 "We'll get that sorted out as soon as we can." 575 00:33:48,080 --> 00:33:50,479 And he then... He forgot to turn the microphone off. 576 00:33:50,480 --> 00:33:51,519 So then we heard this, 577 00:33:51,520 --> 00:33:53,800 "Gary! It's on fire. What are we gonna do?!" 578 00:33:58,000 --> 00:34:00,599 The whole carriage just erup... Cheered. 579 00:34:00,600 --> 00:34:03,680 "Wey! We're on fire! Woo-hoo!" 580 00:34:05,760 --> 00:34:06,799 People were texting their friends, 581 00:34:06,800 --> 00:34:09,920 "We're on fire. Lol. On a train. Fire emoji. Ha-ha." 582 00:34:13,000 --> 00:34:14,039 German people are going, 583 00:34:14,040 --> 00:34:15,879 GERMAN ACCENT: "We must evacuate the train." 584 00:34:15,880 --> 00:34:17,519 And all the Brits are conga-ing up the carr... 585 00:34:17,520 --> 00:34:20,080 "We're on fire! Woo-hoo!" 586 00:34:24,160 --> 00:34:26,160 HE CHUCKLES 587 00:34:27,200 --> 00:34:31,119 One of the most chaotic but beautiful places I've been to 588 00:34:31,120 --> 00:34:32,159 is Indonesia. 589 00:34:32,160 --> 00:34:34,719 Indonesia - a place of great beauty, wonderful people, 590 00:34:34,720 --> 00:34:36,919 a place where the normal rules don't apply, though. 591 00:34:36,920 --> 00:34:39,479 I mean, it's a place where chaos reigns. 592 00:34:39,480 --> 00:34:41,319 It's the only... I mean, things happen there 593 00:34:41,320 --> 00:34:43,199 that just don't happen anywhere in the world. 594 00:34:43,200 --> 00:34:45,999 I was booked on a domestic flight within Indonesia, 595 00:34:46,000 --> 00:34:50,279 and I got to the airport and the flight had left early, right? 596 00:34:50,280 --> 00:34:51,280 Now... 597 00:34:55,080 --> 00:34:58,279 ...I can't tell you how much that blew my mind, right? 598 00:34:58,280 --> 00:35:00,319 HE STAMMERS What? 599 00:35:00,320 --> 00:35:02,719 And he went, "Yeah, yeah, yeah. They got most of the passengers on 600 00:35:02,720 --> 00:35:03,879 "and the weather was good, 601 00:35:03,880 --> 00:35:05,560 "so they thought they'd sort of get ahead of themselves." 602 00:35:10,280 --> 00:35:13,879 I got on a little inter-island hopper plane once in Indonesia. 603 00:35:13,880 --> 00:35:15,679 The safety chat was a thing of beauty. 604 00:35:15,680 --> 00:35:17,479 The pilot was fiddling around in the cockpit, 605 00:35:17,480 --> 00:35:19,079 and then he turned round like that 606 00:35:19,080 --> 00:35:21,840 and seemed genuinely surprised to see passengers. 607 00:35:26,880 --> 00:35:29,120 And then he just went, "All right?" Like that. 608 00:35:30,440 --> 00:35:32,799 What are we gonna do? "Mm, OK. You're the boss." 609 00:35:32,800 --> 00:35:33,800 Br-r-r-oom! 610 00:35:35,880 --> 00:35:38,959 I was there to make a documentary. 611 00:35:38,960 --> 00:35:44,719 We were trying to film the dance of the red bird-of-paradise. One... 612 00:35:44,720 --> 00:35:46,159 This extraordinary bird. 613 00:35:46,160 --> 00:35:49,879 It dwells in the deep jungles of Eastern Indonesia. 614 00:35:49,880 --> 00:35:51,479 Very few people have even seen it. 615 00:35:51,480 --> 00:35:54,039 And it performs this extraordinary dance. 616 00:35:54,040 --> 00:35:56,559 It's a preposterously plumed bird, right? 617 00:35:56,560 --> 00:35:58,919 It's wires and feathers and plumage. 618 00:35:58,920 --> 00:36:02,599 It's got a look on its face that says, "I should be extinct." Right? 619 00:36:02,600 --> 00:36:04,639 I mean, it's just... 620 00:36:04,640 --> 00:36:07,239 It seems bemused by its own longevity. 621 00:36:07,240 --> 00:36:11,759 And every morning at dawn, in the deep jungle, 622 00:36:11,760 --> 00:36:14,839 at the top of a jungle canopy, 120ft up, 623 00:36:14,840 --> 00:36:18,639 it performs an elaborate dance to get a mate, right? 624 00:36:18,640 --> 00:36:21,519 Every morning at dawn. Can you imagine, fellas? 625 00:36:21,520 --> 00:36:25,160 Every morning, having to get up - "Oh, for goodness... Here we go." 626 00:36:26,200 --> 00:36:28,200 FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS 627 00:36:58,040 --> 00:37:00,079 FUNKY MUSIC STOPS Like that. Every morning. 628 00:37:00,080 --> 00:37:02,000 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 629 00:37:05,800 --> 00:37:06,800 Yeah. Er... 630 00:37:08,880 --> 00:37:10,999 The thing is, right, I didn't get to see it. 631 00:37:11,000 --> 00:37:13,839 Because you have to be pulled up in a harness, 120ft up, 632 00:37:13,840 --> 00:37:15,159 to see this dance. 633 00:37:15,160 --> 00:37:17,399 There was no way I'm getting in this harness, 634 00:37:17,400 --> 00:37:21,399 because, um, I had, well - not to put too fine a point in it - 635 00:37:21,400 --> 00:37:23,520 I was much troubled with a looseness. 636 00:37:30,680 --> 00:37:35,599 So the thought of being hoisted 120ft up in a harness, 637 00:37:35,600 --> 00:37:37,480 above my friends and family... 638 00:37:40,880 --> 00:37:42,760 "Let us never speak of this again." 639 00:37:44,120 --> 00:37:45,199 But when I'm in a country, 640 00:37:45,200 --> 00:37:47,159 I like to be able to speak a bit of the language, you know? 641 00:37:47,160 --> 00:37:51,279 So I bought a little phrasebook, an Indonesian phrasebook, 642 00:37:51,280 --> 00:37:52,879 called Practical Dialogues. 643 00:37:52,880 --> 00:37:55,119 But I've got to tell you, these are not... 644 00:37:55,120 --> 00:37:57,399 These are not practical in any way. 645 00:37:57,400 --> 00:38:00,039 HE SIGHS Or not even dialogues, a lot of them. 646 00:38:00,040 --> 00:38:03,119 It just feels like you're in some weird kind of, 647 00:38:03,120 --> 00:38:06,879 sort of, almost like a Brechtian sort of parallel universe. 648 00:38:06,880 --> 00:38:08,999 The conversation seemed loaded with something else. 649 00:38:09,000 --> 00:38:11,279 This one just says, "I need some fresh fruit." 650 00:38:11,280 --> 00:38:12,519 But it seems there's... 651 00:38:12,520 --> 00:38:15,199 There's something else. There's a subtext going on. 652 00:38:15,200 --> 00:38:18,160 "I need some fresh fruit." "You seem to like fruit." 653 00:38:20,240 --> 00:38:21,679 "I like fruit very much." 654 00:38:21,680 --> 00:38:22,839 "What kind of fruit do you like?" 655 00:38:22,840 --> 00:38:23,879 "Apples." 656 00:38:23,880 --> 00:38:24,919 "What about bananas?" 657 00:38:24,920 --> 00:38:25,920 "Yes." 658 00:38:29,000 --> 00:38:30,999 Some of them feel like you're in a psychodrama. 659 00:38:31,000 --> 00:38:33,920 "Tell me why you didn't say hello to Lucy yesterday." 660 00:38:36,000 --> 00:38:37,119 "Because I didn't want to." 661 00:38:37,120 --> 00:38:38,159 "What's going on?" 662 00:38:38,160 --> 00:38:39,199 "Nothing." 663 00:38:39,200 --> 00:38:40,279 "Did she annoy you?" "No." 664 00:38:40,280 --> 00:38:41,840 "You are hiding something." 665 00:38:45,440 --> 00:38:47,000 I just came in for toothpaste. 666 00:38:49,080 --> 00:38:51,039 This one's called It Burns. 667 00:38:51,040 --> 00:38:53,079 All right? 668 00:38:53,080 --> 00:38:54,599 "What does fire do?" 669 00:38:54,600 --> 00:38:55,959 "It burns." 670 00:38:55,960 --> 00:38:57,279 "What catches fire?" 671 00:38:57,280 --> 00:38:59,360 "Paper, hair, cotton." 672 00:39:01,440 --> 00:39:02,799 "What is a fire alarm?" 673 00:39:02,800 --> 00:39:05,839 "An apparatus for making know the outbreak of fire." 674 00:39:05,840 --> 00:39:07,359 "Is fire destructive?" 675 00:39:07,360 --> 00:39:09,840 "When fire is angry, it can destroy." 676 00:39:11,920 --> 00:39:13,920 OK, cheers. Er... 677 00:39:14,960 --> 00:39:18,679 This is perhaps my favourite. "What is yoga?" All right? 678 00:39:18,680 --> 00:39:20,599 There's no preamble, like, "Are you into fitness? 679 00:39:20,600 --> 00:39:24,720 "Do you like fitness?" No. Just that. "What is yoga?" 680 00:39:25,880 --> 00:39:27,279 You imagine you're sitting on a plane 681 00:39:27,280 --> 00:39:29,719 and the person sitting next to you just turns to you randomly 682 00:39:29,720 --> 00:39:32,399 and says to you, "What is yoga?" 683 00:39:32,400 --> 00:39:34,039 You'd be pushing the button, wouldn't you? 684 00:39:34,040 --> 00:39:36,879 Like, ding, ding, ding, ding! "Help! There's a nutter." 685 00:39:36,880 --> 00:39:40,159 And... But in this world, people are very obliging. 686 00:39:40,160 --> 00:39:41,559 "What is yoga?" 687 00:39:41,560 --> 00:39:44,439 "It is a Hindu system of meditation and self-control." 688 00:39:44,440 --> 00:39:45,879 "What it is intended for?" 689 00:39:45,880 --> 00:39:47,599 "To produce mystical experience 690 00:39:47,600 --> 00:39:50,599 "and the union of the individual soul with the universal spirit." 691 00:39:50,600 --> 00:39:52,560 "Is your sister still in India?" 692 00:39:54,640 --> 00:39:56,640 APPLAUSE 693 00:39:59,520 --> 00:40:01,359 Makes no sense. Right... 694 00:40:01,360 --> 00:40:03,399 So, when... HE CHUCKLES 695 00:40:03,400 --> 00:40:06,759 So, when I'm playing music, right, I like to play in the minor key. 696 00:40:06,760 --> 00:40:09,759 The minor key... More powerful than the major key... 697 00:40:09,760 --> 00:40:11,439 The major key - too eager to please. 698 00:40:11,440 --> 00:40:14,599 ♪ Like me, like me, like me, like me I'm the major key. ♪ 699 00:40:14,600 --> 00:40:16,120 No. Back off, all right? 700 00:40:18,200 --> 00:40:21,319 The minor key... Much more evocative. 701 00:40:21,320 --> 00:40:23,599 Some of the world's greatest music - written in the minor key. 702 00:40:23,600 --> 00:40:24,919 Fur Elise, A minor. 703 00:40:24,920 --> 00:40:26,920 PLAYS FUR ELISE 704 00:40:27,960 --> 00:40:29,079 In the major key, not so much. 705 00:40:29,080 --> 00:40:31,080 PLAYS JAUNTY FUR ELISE 706 00:40:42,240 --> 00:40:44,879 No. I mean, it just... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 707 00:40:44,880 --> 00:40:47,240 It sounds like a Bavarian milking song. Now... 708 00:40:49,320 --> 00:40:51,879 You know, songs that are upbeat in their lyric 709 00:40:51,880 --> 00:40:54,759 tend to be accompanied by a major key, like... 710 00:40:54,760 --> 00:40:59,679 MERRILY: My only sunshine... ♪ 711 00:40:59,680 --> 00:41:02,399 No. I want to hear it in the minor key, sung with contempt. 712 00:41:02,400 --> 00:41:07,559 GLOOMILY: when skies are grey 713 00:41:07,560 --> 00:41:12,360 ♪ You'll never know, dear How much I love you... ♪ 714 00:41:14,440 --> 00:41:15,879 Now, I know what you're thinking. 715 00:41:15,880 --> 00:41:17,559 "Why don't you sing it in German, Bill?" 716 00:41:17,560 --> 00:41:18,560 All right, then. 717 00:41:20,640 --> 00:41:24,279 ♪ You are my sunshine 718 00:41:24,280 --> 00:41:26,439 ♪ My only sunshine... ♪ 719 00:41:26,440 --> 00:41:27,799 Right, everybody join in! 720 00:41:27,800 --> 00:41:29,320 ♪ You m... 721 00:41:31,400 --> 00:41:34,119 ♪ You make me happy 722 00:41:34,120 --> 00:41:37,039 ♪ When the sky is gray AUDIENCE CLAPS IN TIME 723 00:41:37,040 --> 00:41:39,559 ♪ You'll never know 724 00:41:39,560 --> 00:41:42,239 ♪ Wie sehr ich dich liebe 725 00:41:42,240 --> 00:41:45,439 ♪ Bitte nimm meinen Sonnenschein nicht weg. ♪ 726 00:41:45,440 --> 00:41:46,879 Jawohl! 727 00:41:46,880 --> 00:41:48,919 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ausgezeichnet! 728 00:41:48,920 --> 00:41:50,479 Do we have some German speakers here tonight? 729 00:41:50,480 --> 00:41:51,519 Bisschen Deutsch, ja? 730 00:41:51,520 --> 00:41:53,559 CHEERING 731 00:41:53,560 --> 00:41:56,199 Wow. Way more German than I thought. 732 00:41:56,200 --> 00:41:58,239 What a reaction to that. 733 00:41:58,240 --> 00:42:01,040 I should have been doing it in German from the beginning. 734 00:42:02,120 --> 00:42:03,239 All right, then. I'm going to do that. 735 00:42:03,240 --> 00:42:06,119 I'm going to start the show again and see how far I get. 736 00:42:06,120 --> 00:42:08,239 So, here we go. Let's German it up a bit. 737 00:42:08,240 --> 00:42:11,279 DRUM ROLLS Willkommen, Bill Bailey! 738 00:42:11,280 --> 00:42:13,280 BAVARIAN MUSIC PLAYS 739 00:42:14,360 --> 00:42:16,399 CHEERING 740 00:42:16,400 --> 00:42:18,400 AUDIENCE CLAPS IN TIME 741 00:42:19,520 --> 00:42:23,199 Yes! Welcome! My name is Bill Bailey. 742 00:42:23,200 --> 00:42:24,759 {\an8}I have a miracle woman... 743 00:42:24,760 --> 00:42:26,799 {\an8}ANGELIC CHOIR 744 00:42:26,800 --> 00:42:27,880 Yes. 745 00:42:35,840 --> 00:42:38,959 And a Reichsminister randomization. 746 00:42:38,960 --> 00:42:41,200 BORIS JOHNSON: Spondylus. Oh. He... 747 00:42:43,880 --> 00:42:48,960 Yes! I for an innuendoscopy have go do. 748 00:42:50,880 --> 00:42:53,199 He says, "Where do you want it?" Yes. 749 00:42:53,200 --> 00:42:54,960 STRUGGLES: "You... you want..." 750 00:42:56,200 --> 00:42:57,240 So... 751 00:42:58,240 --> 00:42:59,599 I have a theremin, yes? 752 00:42:59,600 --> 00:43:02,559 THEREMIN NOTE PLAYS Yes. You can play with your head. 753 00:43:02,560 --> 00:43:04,439 Yes? THEREMIN NOTE PLAYS 754 00:43:04,440 --> 00:43:06,959 With your head! HE WHEEZES WITH LAUGHTER 755 00:43:06,960 --> 00:43:09,199 I have a bit of musical comedy. 756 00:43:09,200 --> 00:43:12,360 SLIDE WHISTLE NOTE PLAYS Wahey! Woo-pla! 757 00:43:20,200 --> 00:43:21,720 What is yoga? 758 00:43:26,840 --> 00:43:29,319 The red bird of paradise 759 00:43:29,320 --> 00:43:33,920 that... that lives upside down from the jungle tree... 760 00:43:35,120 --> 00:43:37,160 ...and... and... 761 00:43:39,600 --> 00:43:42,719 ...and every morning Mr. Vogel 762 00:43:42,720 --> 00:43:46,360 does a special sex dance. To... 763 00:43:49,040 --> 00:43:51,599 ...meeting with Fraulein Vogel. 764 00:43:51,600 --> 00:43:55,199 "Ooh, Mr. Bird! You have did a sex dance..." 765 00:43:55,200 --> 00:43:59,239 "Yes. I want to do a sex dance, yes!. Here, come here." 766 00:43:59,240 --> 00:44:01,240 TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS 767 00:44:05,840 --> 00:44:07,199 ♪ One 768 00:44:07,200 --> 00:44:08,959 ♪ Two 769 00:44:08,960 --> 00:44:12,799 ♪ One, two, three, four, five... 770 00:44:12,800 --> 00:44:15,559 ♪ Sex with the bird Sex with the bird 771 00:44:15,560 --> 00:44:17,159 ♪ Sex here, sex here 772 00:44:17,160 --> 00:44:18,919 ♪ On the jungle tree 773 00:44:18,920 --> 00:44:22,279 ♪ Where is the bird? Where is the bird? 774 00:44:22,280 --> 00:44:23,759 ♪ Sex here, sex here 775 00:44:23,760 --> 00:44:25,519 ♪ This is the bird dance! ♪ 776 00:44:25,520 --> 00:44:27,520 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 777 00:44:34,960 --> 00:44:38,239 But, you have to be in a sling lifted 778 00:44:38,240 --> 00:44:40,599 to see... to see the dance, 779 00:44:40,600 --> 00:44:43,079 and I can't go into that go noose. 780 00:44:43,080 --> 00:44:45,840 I have a problem with my ass. 781 00:44:50,640 --> 00:44:52,480 My ass cracker is broken. 782 00:44:55,960 --> 00:44:57,039 Right, that's enough of that. 783 00:44:57,040 --> 00:44:59,119 OK. Right. 784 00:44:59,120 --> 00:45:01,400 So... APPLAUSE 785 00:45:04,040 --> 00:45:07,439 Now, the American national anthem. Very bold, very stirring music. 786 00:45:07,440 --> 00:45:10,919 MUSIC: The Star Spangled Banner 787 00:45:10,920 --> 00:45:12,039 You know, it's kind of like... 788 00:45:12,040 --> 00:45:15,039 Gives you very stirring feelings of pride and nationalism. 789 00:45:15,040 --> 00:45:18,199 But if you play it in the minor key, it changes it completely. 790 00:45:18,200 --> 00:45:20,200 HE PLAYS THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER 791 00:45:23,440 --> 00:45:24,760 Makes it sound a bit Russian. 792 00:45:26,520 --> 00:45:28,199 So I'm just... 793 00:45:28,200 --> 00:45:30,280 ... 794 00:45:32,640 --> 00:45:33,759 I love America, though. 795 00:45:33,760 --> 00:45:37,199 I'd love to be in one of those great big American 796 00:45:37,200 --> 00:45:40,119 kind of action franchises. 797 00:45:40,120 --> 00:45:41,679 I love Jason Bourne as well. 798 00:45:41,680 --> 00:45:42,959 My favourite action hero. 799 00:45:42,960 --> 00:45:44,319 Oh! He's fantastic. 800 00:45:44,320 --> 00:45:46,039 None of Bond's silly gadgets. 801 00:45:46,040 --> 00:45:47,719 Bourne, he improvises, doesn't he? 802 00:45:47,720 --> 00:45:50,079 You at him with a knife, he'll stick a pen through your hand. 803 00:45:50,080 --> 00:45:51,239 You try and attack him, 804 00:45:51,240 --> 00:45:54,239 he'll put a hole punch through the fleshy part of your upper arm. 805 00:45:54,240 --> 00:45:56,079 Ooh! That's got to sting. 806 00:45:56,080 --> 00:45:57,760 Stationery, that's his weapon of choice. 807 00:45:59,000 --> 00:46:01,520 You corner him in a Ryman's, you've got no chance. 808 00:46:02,920 --> 00:46:04,920 "He's laminated my hand! A-a-argh!" 809 00:46:06,840 --> 00:46:09,239 Staple your eyebrows to the back of your neck. 810 00:46:09,240 --> 00:46:10,919 He's a demon. 811 00:46:10,920 --> 00:46:12,839 Jason Statham. Oh, he's another one. 812 00:46:12,840 --> 00:46:13,919 I love Jason Statham. 813 00:46:13,920 --> 00:46:14,959 The way he moves. 814 00:46:14,960 --> 00:46:16,399 He always moves in one plane. 815 00:46:16,400 --> 00:46:18,039 He just moves side to side like that. 816 00:46:18,040 --> 00:46:20,039 He comes out of a building, he comes out sideways, 817 00:46:20,040 --> 00:46:21,639 flips around, and then he moves like that. 818 00:46:21,640 --> 00:46:23,679 "Come on. All right, geezer? All right, geezer?" 819 00:46:23,680 --> 00:46:26,280 You know, he's got a bit of crab DNA in him, I reckon. 820 00:46:28,800 --> 00:46:30,159 I was doing a show once in LA 821 00:46:30,160 --> 00:46:31,959 and this producer came to see me after the show. 822 00:46:31,960 --> 00:46:34,519 And he was very... very sort of, you know, complimentary. 823 00:46:34,520 --> 00:46:36,679 He said, "Great show." He said, "Let's meet and discuss projects." 824 00:46:36,680 --> 00:46:39,999 I was like, "OK...let's not blow it, Bill. Come on. 825 00:46:40,000 --> 00:46:41,759 "You know, just try not to... 826 00:46:41,760 --> 00:46:44,719 "..try not to be English and mischievous about this. 827 00:46:44,720 --> 00:46:46,359 "Try and play it straight," you know. 828 00:46:46,360 --> 00:46:49,159 But it didn't go very well because we went for lunch 829 00:46:49,160 --> 00:46:50,239 and he said, "Great show." 830 00:46:50,240 --> 00:46:52,479 He said, "Look, I don't want to blow smoke up your ass." 831 00:46:52,480 --> 00:46:53,679 And I said... I was nervous. 832 00:46:53,680 --> 00:46:54,919 So I went, "Oh, thank goodness for that... 833 00:46:54,920 --> 00:46:56,079 HE WHEEZES WITH LAUGHTER 834 00:46:56,080 --> 00:46:58,999 "Yeah, that sounds disgusting." HE WHEEZES WITH LAUGHTER 835 00:46:59,000 --> 00:47:00,319 And... but being American, 836 00:47:00,320 --> 00:47:02,759 he took me literally. He went, "No, I'm not going to do that. 837 00:47:02,760 --> 00:47:03,919 "It is not... uh... 838 00:47:03,920 --> 00:47:05,999 "It's just an expression to say that I do not..." 839 00:47:06,000 --> 00:47:07,679 And I was like, "Oh, for God's sake. 840 00:47:07,680 --> 00:47:10,719 "Yes, I know what it... Oh, Christ, I know what it means." 841 00:47:10,720 --> 00:47:12,719 And then I just got annoyed and mischievous 842 00:47:12,720 --> 00:47:13,919 and I just played it straight back. 843 00:47:13,920 --> 00:47:15,919 I said, "Yeah, it'd be very difficult to do, wouldn't it? 844 00:47:15,920 --> 00:47:18,559 "I'd have to stand on a chair or a table or a... 845 00:47:18,560 --> 00:47:22,039 "..a raised plinth and then remove my trousers 846 00:47:22,040 --> 00:47:23,119 "and pants and you... 847 00:47:23,120 --> 00:47:24,719 "..but you wouldn't actually be able to blow 848 00:47:24,720 --> 00:47:25,919 "the smoke up my arse because 849 00:47:25,920 --> 00:47:28,039 "the sphincter's a very, very tight muscle. 850 00:47:28,040 --> 00:47:30,319 "You... The smoke would just sort of diffuse on the buttocks. 851 00:47:30,320 --> 00:47:31,399 "So you'd probably have to get 852 00:47:31,400 --> 00:47:33,279 "a pipe up there or maybe a funnel. 853 00:47:33,280 --> 00:47:35,839 "Work that in and then waft the smoke up 854 00:47:35,840 --> 00:47:38,159 "with a menu or something to hand, 855 00:47:38,160 --> 00:47:40,039 "and that way you would achieve ingress 856 00:47:40,040 --> 00:47:42,439 "of smoke into the rectal area." 857 00:47:42,440 --> 00:47:43,679 And... uh... 858 00:47:43,680 --> 00:47:45,360 ...I never saw him again after that. That was it, really. 859 00:47:51,880 --> 00:47:52,920 So... 860 00:47:55,600 --> 00:47:56,879 This is a true story, actually. 861 00:47:56,880 --> 00:47:58,640 The original director of Lord of the Rings... 862 00:47:59,840 --> 00:48:01,039 ...was not Peter Jackson. 863 00:48:01,040 --> 00:48:03,159 It was actually Quentin Tarantino. 864 00:48:03,160 --> 00:48:05,719 And I would love to have seen that, just for the opening sequence. 865 00:48:05,720 --> 00:48:07,720 HE PLAYS FUNKY TUNE 866 00:48:09,560 --> 00:48:10,599 Freeze frame. 867 00:48:10,600 --> 00:48:11,679 "Bruce Willis as Frodo." 868 00:48:11,680 --> 00:48:13,680 HE PLAYS FUNKY SONG 869 00:48:15,720 --> 00:48:17,760 "Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson as the Balrog." 870 00:48:21,600 --> 00:48:23,480 "Samuel L Jackson as Gandalf." 871 00:48:25,160 --> 00:48:27,519 "Somebody get these mother BLEEP orcs... 872 00:48:27,520 --> 00:48:30,759 Out of this goddamn mother BLEEP mother BLEEP 873 00:48:30,760 --> 00:48:32,519 Mother BLEEP ... 874 00:48:32,520 --> 00:48:33,919 BLEEP ... 875 00:48:33,920 --> 00:48:38,799 PROLONGED BLEEP! 876 00:48:38,800 --> 00:48:39,840 "..Mordor!" 877 00:48:42,840 --> 00:48:43,999 Are there any metal fans in? 878 00:48:44,000 --> 00:48:46,119 CROWD WHOOPS 879 00:48:46,120 --> 00:48:47,799 Right. 880 00:48:47,800 --> 00:48:49,159 Just for the avoidance of doubt... 881 00:48:49,160 --> 00:48:50,879 ...that is the genre of music, 882 00:48:50,880 --> 00:48:52,799 not the substance. 883 00:48:52,800 --> 00:48:56,039 Some of you are going, "Brass, I like brass, actually, yes." 884 00:48:56,040 --> 00:48:57,439 There's somebody going, "I think you'll find 885 00:48:57,440 --> 00:48:58,920 "that's an alloy. So, uh..." 886 00:49:00,960 --> 00:49:02,400 Know your audience, Bill. 887 00:49:05,760 --> 00:49:06,799 I love metal, right? 888 00:49:06,800 --> 00:49:07,919 If I was allowed to at home, 889 00:49:07,920 --> 00:49:10,839 I'd have amplifiers in every room in my house, 890 00:49:10,840 --> 00:49:12,959 connected wirelessly to my guitar. 891 00:49:12,960 --> 00:49:15,519 And I'd just walk around the house playing metal, around the house. 892 00:49:15,520 --> 00:49:18,520 ♪ Walking in the lounge... 893 00:49:19,960 --> 00:49:23,959 ♪ Walking through to the kitchen 894 00:49:23,960 --> 00:49:26,279 ♪ Do you want some breakfast? 895 00:49:26,280 --> 00:49:27,959 ♪ Yes, I do 896 00:49:27,960 --> 00:49:30,519 ♪ What do you want? 897 00:49:30,520 --> 00:49:32,240 GROWLS: 898 00:49:36,600 --> 00:49:37,679 ♪ What kind of milk? 899 00:49:37,680 --> 00:49:39,959 ♪ Semi-skimmed milk 900 00:49:39,960 --> 00:49:42,199 ♪ Pouring on the milk, glug-glug-glug-glug-glug 901 00:49:42,200 --> 00:49:44,719 ♪ Yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum 902 00:49:44,720 --> 00:49:45,799 ♪ Finished 903 00:49:45,800 --> 00:49:49,839 ♪ Putting my bowl in the dishwasher-safe… ♪ 904 00:49:49,840 --> 00:49:52,000 HE CACKLES 905 00:49:53,800 --> 00:49:56,519 ♪ Bing-bong! Someone at the door 906 00:49:56,520 --> 00:49:57,879 ♪ I'll go 907 00:49:57,880 --> 00:50:00,919 ♪ Walking down the hall Walking down the hall 908 00:50:00,920 --> 00:50:03,759 ♪ Walking down the hall to the door 909 00:50:03,760 --> 00:50:05,199 ♪ Who will it be? 910 00:50:05,200 --> 00:50:06,719 ♪ I don't know, I don't know 911 00:50:06,720 --> 00:50:09,439 GROWLS: 912 00:50:09,440 --> 00:50:12,199 ♪ It's a mystery 913 00:50:12,200 --> 00:50:13,799 HE CACKLES 914 00:50:13,800 --> 00:50:15,399 ♪ Opening the door... ♪ 915 00:50:15,400 --> 00:50:17,239 HE IMITATES CREAKY DOOR 916 00:50:17,240 --> 00:50:18,279 ♪ Oh! 917 00:50:18,280 --> 00:50:21,840 ♪ It's Jehovah's Witnesses 918 00:50:22,840 --> 00:50:25,679 ♪ I got this 919 00:50:25,680 --> 00:50:28,879 ♪ I have given my life 920 00:50:28,880 --> 00:50:30,920 GROWLS: 921 00:50:32,680 --> 00:50:35,079 ♪ The Dark Lord dwells in my eyes 922 00:50:35,080 --> 00:50:36,839 ♪ Beelzebub... 923 00:50:36,840 --> 00:50:38,919 ♪ They've gone 924 00:50:38,920 --> 00:50:42,479 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 925 00:50:42,480 --> 00:50:45,039 Thank you very much, Royal Opera House. 926 00:50:45,040 --> 00:50:47,839 All right, then, let us play upon the horns. 927 00:50:47,840 --> 00:50:51,799 The tuned Alpine cow horns. 928 00:50:51,800 --> 00:50:53,119 Here they are. 929 00:50:53,120 --> 00:50:54,719 Thank you, chaps. Here we go. 930 00:50:54,720 --> 00:50:56,800 MUSIC: Intro to Dance Of The Little Swans by Tchaikovsky 931 00:51:00,520 --> 00:51:02,680 MUSIC: Dance Of The Little Swans by Tchaikovsky 932 00:51:25,680 --> 00:51:27,880 MUSIC: Swan Lake - Swan Theme by Tchaikovsky 933 00:51:46,760 --> 00:51:49,239 MUSIC: Intro to The Hornpipe from Water Music by George Frideric Handel 934 00:51:49,240 --> 00:51:51,560 MUSIC: The Hornpipe from Water Music by George Frideric Handel 935 00:52:14,840 --> 00:52:16,720 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 936 00:52:20,840 --> 00:52:21,880 Thank you! 937 00:52:25,040 --> 00:52:26,080 All right, then. 938 00:52:30,160 --> 00:52:31,799 So, have we got any Irish people in? 939 00:52:31,800 --> 00:52:33,679 SCATTERED CHEERS 940 00:52:33,680 --> 00:52:34,720 There's always a few. 941 00:52:37,400 --> 00:52:39,359 So I'd like to send you out 942 00:52:39,360 --> 00:52:42,279 into the balmy Covent Garden air 943 00:52:42,280 --> 00:52:44,560 with a little Irish reel. 944 00:52:55,320 --> 00:52:58,400 MUSIC CONTINUES 945 00:53:00,040 --> 00:53:01,439 Just take a breather. 946 00:53:01,440 --> 00:53:02,880 MUSIC CONTINUES 947 00:53:16,320 --> 00:53:18,359 LOOP REPEATS 948 00:53:18,360 --> 00:53:19,439 Yeah. 949 00:53:19,440 --> 00:53:20,919 In your face, Ed Sheeran. 950 00:53:20,920 --> 00:53:22,720 MUSIC CONTINUES 951 00:53:26,280 --> 00:53:28,640 HE PLAYS ALONG 952 00:53:48,120 --> 00:53:50,400 HE PLAYS ROUSING TUNE 953 00:53:54,160 --> 00:53:56,000 AUDIENCE CHEER AND CLAP ALONG 954 00:53:58,200 --> 00:54:00,200 AUDIENCE CLAP ALONG 955 00:54:15,560 --> 00:54:16,560 Hup! 956 00:54:18,680 --> 00:54:19,680 Hup! 957 00:54:22,120 --> 00:54:23,840 Hey-y-y-y... 958 00:54:27,640 --> 00:54:29,640 HE QUICKENS TEMPO 959 00:54:50,680 --> 00:54:52,680 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 960 00:54:53,760 --> 00:54:54,959 Thank you! 961 00:54:54,960 --> 00:54:56,599 Thank you very much! 962 00:54:56,600 --> 00:54:57,959 Thank you, ladies and gentlemen! 963 00:54:57,960 --> 00:54:59,559 Thanks for coming! 964 00:54:59,560 --> 00:55:01,959 You've been a great crowd. I'm Bill Bailey! 965 00:55:01,960 --> 00:55:03,040 Goodnight! 966 00:55:28,120 --> 00:55:30,120 Subtitles by Red Bee Media